Goodbye

I have been a nurse for 12 years, I guess that is why I am fine with being blunt.  

Sometimes things just are, no point in mincing words. 

A few weeks ago my Dad died.

No one was surprised, many people explained how it was for the best as he was so ill and not himself for several years.

I guess they are right, but he is still gone. 

We had a good funeral service and this is what I said:

Psalm 30 tells us sorrow may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Our night of sorrow has lasted many years but there will still be a morning of joy. 

I saw an older man the other day at the gas station carefully lifting the hose to drain every last drop of gas that he had paid for into his tank.  I realized then that my dad will be with me in so many different circumstances, in big and small ways every day, and that is my joy.

When someone can’t read my handwriting…

he is with me. 

When I can’t read my handwriting…

            he is with me.

When I hear country music…

he is with me. 

When I see a water colour painting…

he is with me.

When I watch my kids running around with red cheeks, kicking a soccer ball…

he is with me. 

When I see R’s love of reading…

he is with me. 

When K’s sweaty hair curl out from under  a baseball cap…

he is with me. 

When L runs up to her dad after her bath with her wet hair and a brush…

he is with me. 

When I fill out a crossword puzzle in block letters with the words mostly misspelled…

he is with me. 

When I hear a volkswagen bug with no muffler…

he is with me. 

When I drive the long way through all the back roads and call it a short cut…

he is with me. 

When I have a fascinating conversation with a preschooler…

he is with me. 

When I quietly hope the underdog will win..

he is with me. 

And almost every day, he will be with me when someone says to me or my children

“Are your eyes really that blue?”

And I will answer “Yep, they are just like my dad’s.”

to my affirming flame

Some seasons of life you get to walk along with someone who totally loves you and gets you. It's a gift. I am pretty sure I wouldn't be here any more if it weren't for the sweetest person I know....

Incredibly attractive picture of us taking our kids on a rainy hike last year!

I am like Anne of Green Gables blabbing her head off and she is Matthew patiently letting me get it all out. My husband really should be thankful that I have her as a friend. He doesn't know how much I say to her before he even gets home and I start rambling to him:)

Thanks Jo for being my affirming flame and always showing me grace and love. You really are a wonderful person and without a doubt the best mom I know.

when the father is away...

It's Father's Day at our house without a father. We celebrated both our grandfathers yesterday, and great grandpa we'll see next weekend. But Daddy is away. His 'gift' is getting to kayak with his friends for 8 days. Nice.

I do miss him. Not just because I have to do the dishes and the garbage, yuck. (I so much appreciate that he does the dishes everyday.) But just hanging out with him. Being apart for a time has never been that big of a deal to us.

I am aware of his absence a bit differently this time. Not that I can't manage or that I want to be there. Just missing the everyday moments and all the funny things the kids do and say that are too good to be kept to myself. Missing him not what he does for our family.

I know he will have a great time. Being out in nature is one of his favorite things. And you might just get to see some pictures when he gets back...

How sad is it that the most recent picture of the 2 of us is from Spring Break? Then the one before that, New Years. Note to self, more silly couple self portraits.

Song Lyric Sunday

I love it when a song says just what you are thinking. Here's what I am thinking today.

You Alone Can Rescue

by Matt Redman

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
Their own soul could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You, oh Lord, have made a way
The great divide You heal
For when our hearts were far away
Your love went further still
Yes, your love goes further still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You alone

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life

Song Lyric Sunday

So there are so many thing going through my head this week. I know I need to make more time for the serious stuff but the everyday often drowns that out.

I read Ephesians 2 last night and was struck by verses 4-7.

⁴But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, ⁵made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. ⁶And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, ⁷in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

Lots to get there but the phrase "expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus" is what got me. It reminded me of the line "It's your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance" and also of this song I heard first this week on Meg Duerksen's blog Whatever. I love David Crowder Band. So here is How He Loves Us. Just what I needed to hear this week.

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Daddy's little girl

I stopped by to see my Dad last weekend on my way to work. My husband's schedule includes 8 weeks in a row of weekends off. That means for me, 8 weeks of working weekends since we alternate to avoid daycare right now. Anyway. Sometimes I leave early for a night shift, go get a take out dinner (Quiznos) and see my Dad on the way to work.

He was already in his bed, but not asleep. He was fresh and clean and changed into his pajamas. They leave the bed low and the siderails down, a policy that is supposed to prevent falls. I pulled up the chair and started dinner as he was resting and sometimes quietly talking. I didn't understand what he said. Sometimes I would talk too. He didn't understand what I said either. But we were both ok with that.

Sometimes his brain makes him very unsettled and the opposite of peaceful and quiet. But that time came earlier in the day and for me he was content.

hanging out with the family

After I had finished my dinner I put my hand on his arm. He didn't seem to mind. I was happy in the moment. I decided to try and hug him, so I lay my head on his chest. I felt content. In that moment, not sad that he didn't put his arm around me or kiss my head as he once would have. Just happy that he was there. Happy to be close. I love my Dad.

Many times in these last years I have been sad at what was happening to him. What he was missing out on, what we were missing out on. But that didn't occur to me at all. I was happy he was there. Thinking it is a blessing to have him, even if it is different than it used to be.

There is a lesson I have been slowly learning through this experience. Very slowly. I am sure there are lots of things to be learned but it is hard sometimes for me to get over myself and start trying to understand. Self pity and clarity don't go together.

I think the truth that He is "A father to the fatherless" (psalm 68:5) is sinking into my heart. Not only is my security and comfort to come from my Heavenly Father. That in itself is a big lesson that I am easing into as my own father slowly slips away. But also that I am arriving into a pitiable state. I am humbled to becoming one of the least of these. Not that I am not taken care of, I am well loved and well fed every day. I know it is mostly symbolical, a representation of need in that day. But just a reminder that I am in need and I should associate myself with others who are too. "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing." (Deuteronomy 10:18) That is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. And my Dad probably wouldn't mind it either.

We will never again say 'Our gods' to what our own hands have made,

for in you the fatherless find compassion.

Hosea 14:3

Song Lyric Sunday

This is another song that won't leave my head once it gets in. Not a bad topic to be meditating on all day though. It is a hymn I believe, reinterpreted by Caedmon's Call, the same band who did the song that inspired the name of my little blog.

Thy Mercy My God - Caedmon's Call

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song
The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue
Thy free grace alone from the first to the last
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here
Sin would reduce me to utter despair
But through Thy free goodness my spirits revive
And He who first made me still keeps me alive

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart
Dissolved by Thy goodness i fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy i've found

Great Father of mercy, Thy goodness i own
And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son
All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine!
All praise to the Spirit whose whispter divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine!
Alleluia!

Song Lyric Sunday

I am posting this on pretend Sunday - see previous post.

This song has been in my head for a while and I have been meaning to put it up here. Who doesn't love a song you can hear on a movie soundtrack (O Brother, Where Art Thou?) and in church. It gets in my head and my kids have to say "Mom, please stop singing that."

Down to the River to Pray

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good old way
And who shall wear the starry crown
Good Lord, show me the way !

O sisters let's go down,
Let's go down, come on down,
O sisters let's go down,
Down in the river to pray.

As I went down in the river to pray
Studying about that good old way
And who shall wear the robe and crown
Good Lord, show me the way !

O brothers let's go down,
Let's go down, come on down,
Come on brothers let's go down,
Down in the river to pray.

Song lyric Sunday, I mean Monday?

As with my goal update I am behind due to illness. But I heard this great song on the radio on my way home from work last week and wanted to get it on here before I forget. I am totally a fan of quiet songs with just voice and guitar. Love that pared down style.

Maybe you all have heard this before but I live under a rock, that is I have rocks in my pocket, purse, stroller and car. I hear a lot of the alphabet song and not much else these days. So it's new to me anyway.

Your Hands

by JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That you would take my pain away

That you would take my pain away

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the Earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

One day you will make all things right

Yea, one day you will make all things right

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands

Your hands

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

But sometimes it's not...

I can't tell you how many times I have hear "Oh what a lovely place to work" when I tell people I work with babies. "You are so lucky, how fun".

Yes. I love teaching breastfeeding, I love helping families get to know their baby. I love cuddling cuties, hearing their names spoken out loud for the first time. Seeing parents meet their child and enjoy that moment. There is fun to be had at my job.

But no. Some babies are terribly sick. Some babies are born withdrawing from substances in ways that would make you cringe. There is suffering among babies too.

And parents. Watching your child suffer, struggle with each breath. Having tubes and wires on a precious new bundle. Hearing the news that this baby will have long term issues, that it won't be the healthy child you dreamed of.

Sometimes it is pain. Sometimes it is tears. Sometimes it is unimaginable wailing for an ache in a mother's heart that won't go away. Not really. Not completely.

That was today. I was sort of on the edge of the tragedy today. Spared a bit I guess because I have been on the receiving end of more than a bit of pain lately.

But it wasn't the first time I have had to stop the adrenaline from pumping. It is all over now. There is no more that can be done. I am so sorry we did our best but...

Sometimes it's not fun. Sometimes it's not warm cuddles. Sometimes they don't go home.

Every time I encounter an incident like this I try hard to think it through and deal with it. Because you know what? They keep happening.

I have chosen a job where I walk with people through their pain. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. I have chosen to be the one who is yelled at, cried at, who sees the parents collapse into each other like their bones were just taken away and there is no way they could stand. I choose that again today. I choose to absorb a small part of this pain because I know this pain is not going to be forever.

Psalm 30:5 says Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning. Not tomorrow. But maybe one day when He wipes every tear from every eye. Amen, come Lord Jesus.

Song Lyrics Sunday

Kindness
by Chris Tomlin

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It's Your beauty Lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life


There are a few more verses, but this is what I was thinking about today.

Papa

I have been wanting to write about my Dad for a bit, but I haven't. I haven't really written anything for a while. I guess you noticed that.
Sometimes I have been just sitting around on my butt. Lack of motivation. When the kids are occupied I just sit.
Sometimes I am in over my head. Busy with stuff. Work, Christmas, chores. You know there is always something to do.
Sometimes I have been too tired. I started a new medication a while ago that makes me exhausted, so it has been hard for me to keep up with the regular tasks, let alone sitting quietly and thinking and writing those thoughts out.
But enough with excuses and back to my sweet Dad who turned 65 yesterday.
He doesn't really know we are visiting him, or who we are if we do. But I still miss him when I can't get over there to say hello. There are many things to lament about the horrible villain we call Alzheimer's Disease. Like how he will never call my kids by name, or watch them play soccer and teach them about positioning. He will never paint another picture or carve a rustic figure again. Or the torture caused by his own mind as he hallucinates terrible things. But those are things that are and can't be changed.
I am thankful he was a great Dad, coming to every soccer game, explaining how things worked, delighting in my quirky uniqueness and that of my sister. He was gentle and loving, he helped with homework and drove for school field trips. He did my hair while we watched Hockey Night in Canada. I remember him very fondly when my son asks me how the TV works and when we are setting up the Christmas tree. He was a good Dad and I am thankful to have had him to love me and set me an example. Happy Birthday Dad!
As an aside, L is next to me and keeps saying "Bapa!" every time she sees his picture!

Song Lyric Sunday

I was blessed to be able to be in church this week for communion, this song came to mind.

Trust by the Smalltown Poets

so he sat behind his natural defenses
and there he wrestled with the song
he heard his name in every line,
his life in every measure
faced with feelings he could not explain


there was hunger in his hollow hesitation
there was posturing for peace
but even where the spirit willed
the flesh was still maintaining
ground to give only for a sign
and the call went out again


take this bread, drink this cup
know this price has pardoned you
from all that's hardened you
but it's going to take some trust


he lost a heartbeat when he heard the testimony
another soul forsaking pride
and quickened by the spirit
he's so sure that he could hear it
Jesus his Savior calling him to come


come every soul by sin oppressed
there's mercy with the Lord
and He will surely give you rest
by trusting in His word

Song Lyrics Sunday

This World by Caedmon's Call

There's tarnish on the golden rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who aren't afraid to love

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear.
So when he says who will go, I am nowhere near.

And the least of these look like criminals to me
So I leave Christ on the street

This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
But now I'm waking up, but now I'm breaking up
But now I'm making up for lost time

Song Lyric Sunday

Wait and See by Brandon Heath

I was born in Tennessee, late July humidity doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I’ve been troubled since the day that I got here, troubled to the day I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet, because God won’t forget, all the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see, he’s not finished with me yet, he’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school. Talked to much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool all right.
I don’t know how but I made it through, it’s one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet, because God won’t forget, all the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see, he’s not finished with me yet, he’s not finished with me yet

Still wonerin’ why I’m here. Still wrestling with my fear
But oh….He’s up to something,
And the farther out I go, I’ve seen enough to know that I’m not here for nothin’
He’s up to somethin’

So here’s my time to be a man, follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin’ where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems, but singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet, because God won’t forget, all the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see, he’s not finished with me yet, he’s not finished with me yet
He’s not finished with me yet, He’s not finished with me yet.

this is all that I can say right now...

All I Can Say
David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

I wish I had a picture

My Grandma died. It has been over a month. The funeral was this past weekend. It was pretty hectic to travel with the kids, and there wasn't much time to stop and think about all that was happening.

But I had a moment at the cemetery.

There is so much I could say, my Grandma was good, she was godly. She was full of energy, she laughed at herself. She was welcoming and loving. She was always busy, but she still had time for quiet talks with all of us. I never felt a stitch of judgement from her, although I am sure she was aware of my faults. She was the first person to teach me to memorize the Bible, and I can still quote psalm 121 (mostly), in the KJV of course.
My Grandparents are buried on the Island, at a cemetery that overlooks the water. The waves crash and roar just across the road. It was sunny, and slightly windy, but not cold. The grass was so green, the snow there has all melted. I remembered a thousand childhood walks along that beach, digging for crabs and drawing with driftwood in the sand. I remember the fun of staying at my Grandparents house and all the undivided attention I got. I remember a few of her life lessons, though I wish I had payed more attention to those and asked more questions.
So even carrying L and watching A chase the boys, and trying to smile at relatives I had not seen in so long, some I don't really remember at all, I had a moment. That's what the title is all about. I wish that moment was captured in more than just my memory. I am ok with her being gone. I miss her, I love how she loved me. But she is fine, and I will be too.

Here is her original engagement ring that I received from her when I graduated from High School. She gave all her Granddaughters a ring when they graduated, I managed to get her engagement ring, and I love it. I usually only bring it out on special occasions, but I haven't taken it off since the funeral, and I might not, we'll see. I also wore her wedding dress when I got married, a perfect fit after a bit of a hem. I might find a picture of that and add it later.

The picture up top is her and me and K in 2006. "for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God... showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commands." Ex 20:5-6

Thanks Grandma B. We will be feeling His love for at least 998 generations to come.